I smell his scent on my skin, it was probably from when I hugged him too tightly and refused to let go. I wish I had held on that tightly a year ago, I wish that I hadn’t let go that time. Because as I held him, I felt the distance of a year apart. But I also felt that familiar pull of emotion, the one that got me in trouble in the first place. When we met we were both young, we fell fast and passionately in love, just like how kids do… Before life teaches them to slow down and to live in fear.
All the wise people will tell you that usually when “love” is felt that quickly and deeply it’s not love at all… But here I am 4 years later, I still love him as deeply and as intensly. Even though I too have learnt to “slow down” and “live in fear”.
I walked away from him and when he looked at me, for a second he broke and I could see that pain and it broke my heart. I don’t want to hurt him, but I also don’t want to live my life without him. For once in my life I want to stay, I want to feel vulnerable and open.
He asked me how I know that I love him, I couldn’t answer him. Not because I couldn’t say a whole speech that would have gone along the lines of “You’re compassionate and loving… You are the sun and moon all in one”. I just failed to put it into words. How do you tell someone that the reason you love them, is because they fit into all of your edges and all of your cracks.. That their ability to see you for who you are and still love you, shows more about them then anything. He sees people, he sees through the pretense and behind the wall of insecurity and pain, do you know what a gift that is. How do you possibly tell them a list of things that they probably know about themselves, when they touched a part of you that no one else could because of who they are inherently. That’s something that cannot be simplified… So as I stuttered and failed to let him into the deepest corners of my being, parts that even I don’t visit often… He thought that I didn’t love him… HIM! The man that I love wholeheartedly..
So how do you know if it’s true love, is it something you can tick off a checklist, is it said simply through a cute compilation of things that you have observed or is it something that only a rare few get to experience…all I know is that it’s alot and I feel like I’m failing at it too.
My question is what is true love, once you know you feel and are experiencing it… How on earth do you begin to share that with the other person?
Yours Sincerely
Puzzled and in Love?…
Her Quietude 